So my Fall 2009 quarter is decided drawing to a close and so I'm stopping by my dA to spout out a journal for the record. I'm very sporadic in my documentation of my life, but I like to get something down at least quarterly.

If it interests you then that's fine, but know that this is really for me.

I'm really so frustrated with Industrial. I started the quarter off really wanting to prove myself and really willing to do whatever it took to do so. But right off the bat on my first project I spend the entire weekend working a really ambitious project and I felt really confident that it was an A, given the skills I had to work with. I was so confident that I was caught off guard when he gave me a B, and not even a high B. And immediately I lost my confidence. Ever since I just feel like I've been desperately trying to prove my competence as much to myself as to my teachers, and I just keep falling short of what I want.

I think that I'm discovering that I am a person who is naturally self-restrictive and I need to be told, even if I already know, that I'm doing well. I can't relax until I have. And Industrial just isn't into that. They're into tearing you down until you get it right. Once upon a time, I think that is exactly what I needed, but anymore I just want to be left alone and persuaded forward whenever I start to stagnate. But I know in my heart that I am good at what I'm doing, even if my grades don't seem to show it. But for some reason, I'm not happy with that alone.

In a lot of ways I've wanted to return home since I left. I've been trying to get through this quarter as quickly as possible, and I guess I got out what I put in. I didn't really do anything this quarter, besides what was required of me, and it's been a really boring, uneventful time. I think I would like to use Christmas Break as a chance to re-center on the places I take my strength from, internally, and prepare myself to attack the next quarter with as much attitude and tenacity as I can muster. I don't want to be fixated on what people think of my work, because it's only cause me stress and lack-luster results this quarter. Looking back, all of my best projects have been ones where I followed my instinct and told any naysayers to kiss my ass. So I think I just need to get back to that.

I've done some really good work on Fatal Flaw, and I'm proud of most of what I've done, but I've slacked a lot as well. I'm still going to do as promised and devote Christmas Break to Revolution, but Fatal Flaw will have to be postponed a bit more to compromise. In the end, anime insn't really going anywhere and if what I'm doing is really any good at all, it won't matter if my art style is a little two-years-ago.

I think I'm just so bored that I'm in the routine of being so, which means that I'm too used to being bored to entertain myself. And over the summer, I think I forgot how hard it is to bolster initiative when you're exhausted.

All in all, I've just had a really disappointing experience this quarter and I'm really worried that if I come back with a vengeance that I'll just burn myself out again. And worrying won't help me at all, but it's still a thought that's festering nastily in the back of my mind.